


Checked Out

by RainbowLookingGlass



Series: On the Borderline [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 08:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8570875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowLookingGlass/pseuds/RainbowLookingGlass
Summary: Remus isn't sure what to do when Sirius is acting more oddly than every before, but he's certainly willing to try to figure it out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously content warnings for dissociation. I just want to clarify that this is how I experience dissociation, but there are several kinds and different ways to experience it, and it can be triggered from many different things.

Remus closed the door of the empty classroom, lighting his wand and finally getting a good look at Sirius. He didn’t appear to be hurt or anything. He just had this vacant, distant sort of expression, similar to how he looked when he zoned out during class. But this time he didn’t startle and look sheepish when Remus nudged him. This time, even dragging him down the hall Remus had found him in, wandering aimlessly, and into the room hadn’t snapped him out of it. A small part of Remus was scared, afraid maybe a curse had hit him and he would never be back. He quickly squashed that thought. Now was not the time for panic.

“Sirius?” he asked quietly. He set his wand down on a desk, gently taking both of his boyfriend’s hands in his own. “Can you hear me? Can you speak to me, love?” Sirius’s eyes settled more in his general direction, but still looked unfocused.

“I… Yeah. Everything’s so… Off,” Sirius said, nearly slurring his words he was speaking so slowly. “It’s all wrong. Not real. Your hands aren’t your hands,” Sirius ran his thumb over the back of Remus’s hand, cocking his head to the side. Remus took a deep breath, trying to quell the anxiety stirring in him.

“I’m real, baby, I promise,” Remus said desperately. “Did somebody curse you? What can I do? How can I help you?”

Sirius just looked at some point behind Remus. “Nobody… I don’t know. Nothing’s real.” 

“Is there’s something that is real? Things you see, their shapes? Or color?” Remus felt like he was grasping at straws, but he had never seen Sirius like this before. He was terrified that this was permanent, wasn’t sure if Sirius was trying to tell him he hadn’t been cursed. He wouldn’t be able to stand losing Sirius this way. Sirius gazed around, nodding a bit.

“Colors. The colors are right,” Sirius said, still nodding. Remus nearly cried in relief. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

“Tell me about them, Sirius. Can you tell me about all the red things?” Sirius nodded, and began listing off things in the room that were red and what shade they were. Every time he moved on to a new object, Remus would squeeze his hands, encouraging him. They moved on to blue when they’d run out of red things, and then yellow. By the time Sirius had described all the yellow things in the room, Sirius had regained the focus in his eyes. When he looked at Remus, Remus could tell he was actually seeing him. Tentatively, Sirius squeezed Remus’s hands, then pulled him in for a hug. Remus held him tightly. He never wanted to let go.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Remus asked gently. Sirius tensed, but nodded and pulled back slightly. He took a shaky breath, refusing to look Remus in the eye.

“I don’t know what happened. I was walking down the corridor, and I ran into… them. You know,” Remus nodded. He wouldn’t force Sirius to admit he’d seen his family. “They started heckling me, you know, the usual shit. Slurs and… telling me I’m a disgrace, how I’ll never amount to anything. I knew I should’ve just let it go, should’ve walked away. I wish I had. But I was so angry, I started yelling back, and the things they said got worse, they started surrounding me. I just got angrier and angrier, then I started getting scared, and wondering if they were right. They left after a while but my mind just kept going, the thoughts were circling and it kept getting worse. At some point my mind just kinda… snapped. Everything felt kinda far away and tilted, and just wrong. Everything felt wrong too. It felt like all my emotions were fuzzy and far away, like I was in a bubble or something. It wasn’t until I started focusing on things I could see were real that I started to feel normal again,” Sirius looked up into Remus’s eyes, his own full of emotion and tears. “Thank you. I was so scared.”

Remus pulled him back into an embrace, hugging him as tightly as he could. “I know, love, I was too. I’m so sorry they did that to you. It’s ok now, though. You know not to interact with them again. And if this happens again, we know what to do now. We know how to fix it. It’ll be ok,” he told Sirius, tears sliding down his face. They stood there for a while longer, what could’ve been minutes or hours, just hanging on to each other, desperate for comfort. Slowly they both stopped crying, their breathing became less ragged, their muscles relaxing a bit. When they were both calm, Remus stepped back, looking at Sirius. Aside from looking exhausted, he didn’t seem particularly worse for wear. Certainly no worse than he looked after a meltdown.

“Come on,” Remus grabbed his wand in one hand and Sirius’s hand in the other. “It’s getting close to curfew, I’m sure. Let’s head upstairs. I think it’s a good time for bed.” Sirius smiled faintly at him.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Bed sounds like a good idea.” They walked hand in hand up to their dorm, saying goodnight to James and Peter but offering no explanation to their whereabouts. Remus figured he could tell them tomorrow. Instead they undressed, stripping to their boxers and climbing together into Remus’s bed. Sirius immediately snuggled up close to Remus, burying his face in his boyfriend’s neck.

“G’night, Remus,” Sirius mumbled. “Thank you. I love you so much. Dunno what I’d do without you.” Remus felt his heart swell, kissing Sirius’s forehead.

“Goodnight, Sirius. I love you too,” Remus said. He drifted quickly, lulled by Sirius’s even breathing and the relief of knowing they were okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at rainbow-looking-glass or queerly-sirius! I'm sorry for never updating this series, I'm a premed college student with mental illness, it's a roller coaster. Thanks to everyone who sticks with me and read what I do write, and to my lovely tumblr follower who reminded me that this series exists <3


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